I must admit that I was very hesitant to write this article because I was embarrassed, perhaps even too prideful, to tell the story. I’ve been in church all of my life, and I have the Holy Ghost, and I wanted to upkeep that persona, and to pretend like nothing really ever went tremendously wrong in my life. But we are all humans, and we all struggle. Being in church does not shield anyone from temptation or from the effects of sin that have ravaged our world.
I suffered from depression during 2020. A void hovered over my mind, and darkness reached its cold fingers around me. I couldn’t feel anything, and I would go from day to day without enjoying, without thinking, without feeling. I never told anyone, and I never asked for help. Even to this day, this is the first time I’ve ever shared the story. I have lived a blessed life, and I had no reason to be depressed. I was scared to tell anyone what I was experiencing. Without being able to feel, I was watching myself from the outside, and I was disconnected emotionally from everything that was happening. I remember not wanting to be alive anymore, but I had too much fear of God to want to take away the right that only belongs to Him.
One day, I had a thought. And the thought whispered to me, “You should kill yourself.” Despite being miserable, I had never actually thought about ending it all. Alarms went off inside of my head as I asked myself, how did I get here? I remember looking in the mirror as an empty being stared back at me, convincing myself that nothing could be worth going straight from this life into the next one, to re-route my destiny and to take away the plans that God had for me. I have never made any attempt on my life, and I thank God that He kept me from doing so. The Word of God kept me through those dark times. The verses that I had learned in Bible Quizzing from that year were chosen from the book of Psalms, and I remember feeling the darkness creeping on me when I would lay awake at night crying and being sucked into my thoughts. I would quote the verses, and a beam of light began to shine through my wall of darkness. I received a deeper revelation of how God’s word is a lamp to my feet. Verses from 2 or 3 years ago that I had memorized in Bible Quizzing were coming out of my mouth– verses that I didn’t even know I still remembered.
I prayed continually, and God eventually took the depression away from me. It was wonderful to be able to truly enjoy the gift of life. There are some temptations that we might not ever stop feeling. I want to clarify that depression is not a sin, but it is always God’s will for us to be joyful (1 Thessalonians 5:16). Depression can come from a chemical imbalance, but it can also be spiritual. Sometimes we are hesitant to take mental illness seriously, but so many people experience these things. The best thing that we can do is run away from temptation. Granted, running away from depression is hard, but prayer does make a difference. As Christians, we have confidence that God will always make a way out, either in this life, or in the life to come.
In 1 Corinthians 10:13, Paul exhorts that “no temptation [hath] taken you, but such as is common to man.” Not only does this scripture mean that there is someone else that has experienced the same thing as you, but it also conveys that there is someone else who has overcome whatever you are struggling with. So if you’re struggling with something, don’t be embarrassed to seek help; there is no problem that is too insignificant, too big, too strange, or too shocking for God to handle. Everyone has sinned and “come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). We will all need some kind of help in our journey with the Lord. Don’t be humiliated if you need to get help with a spiritual battle. The Bible says that we should “confess your sins one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed,” (James 5:16). By telling your testimony or your shortcomings, you can be a blessing and a help to someone else, and I hope that I have helped someone today.